Ashes

We are exhausted. Almost three months of recovering from the drunk driving accident has resulted in... what?  We're skipping around on our toes and blithely throwing roses everywhere at how good we're doing?  None of that is happening here.  We're taking each day as it is, because that's all we can do.  How are we doing?  Exhausted.  Tired.  I'm mad.

I'm mad that Lisa is suffering like she is.  I'm mad that she had to even suffer at all like she has been.  I'm beyond mad that she is in pain.  She isn't supposed to be hurting.  She isn't supposed to be walking around in pain, like she's been beat up.  But she is.  My wife walks around like she's been set upon by a pack of wolves, and she doesn't say anything. When her self-control is at a low, she walks like she's about to fall over; her feet dip, her posture sags, and her gait becomes like this:  walk, walk, drag, stumble, walk, walk, walk.

She's stumbling!!  Lisa walks like she has just been in a car accident.  Even though the accident was three months ago.

Three months I've been seeing Lisa toughing it out.

I'm angry.  I'm not a person that asks for reasons from heaven, "why, why, why??" That isn't going to do her or me any good.  I'm angry that we have to be pragmatic about Lisa's functionality.  That I have to be tough and make sure that Lisa can do the things that she is normally doing.  It infuriates me that she is weak.  That she gets tired.  That she is constantly in agony - there are no words for how I feel.

Lisa smiles through everything though.  I understand why.  What reason does she have to make everyone around her upset?  She doesn't.  So she won't do - or say - anything that would upset anybody.  Even if it means when she is having a bad day, that she has to accept haranguing from her side of the family.  The kids don't even know how badly Lisa is hurting.  Sometimes I don't even know.

Drunk drivers suck.  What on earth were you thinking when you decided to drive that night, when you decided you would intentionally drive straight into my wife?  She saw you immediately swerve into her lane and come straight for her.  YOU FOLLOWED HER OUT OF HER LANE WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO AVOID YOU!!!

YOU HIT HER ON PURPOSE AND TRIED TO KILL HER.

What on earth were you doing?  I don't know what is wrong with you that you would decide to light up a joint, smoke it, have some booze, then go out and try to kill someone's wife.

The world tastes like ashes.  We smile and laugh at the normal things that we are a part of.  But at the end of the day, the flavor has gone.  I constantly worry about Lisa.  She's tough, but I don't want her to have to be.  I am tired of worrying.  If it means that I get to keep Lisa, I'll worry and eat ashes. The thought of losing her, like we almost did that horrible night, freezes me.

Lisa, I love you.  If it were possible to take your pain and put it onto that person who did this to you, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Be well my dear.  Thank you for being the strong, kind, brave woman you are.  You're so much better than I am.